During the course of last night, furniture was rearranged in my bedroom while I was asleep. When I got up for the mandatory trip to the loo, I fell into a harsh and noisy hug-attack with a table. Peeling myself off the table I groped for the door handle which I figured would be just to the left. It wasn’t! Instead, I felt the side of the cupboard. That’s when panic woke up and grabbing bewilderment’s hand, clearly articulated, “WTF has happened?” A faint voice of calm whispered that I was merely disoriented in the dark. That’s all. It happens. But somehow that whisper was trapped under panic’s forceful surge.
Why I wondered, why and how is panic so quick and skilful in rising to the surface of possible explanations? On this occasion, after I rejected the furniture rearrangement story, it assigned me to permanent residency in the state of confusion, perhaps one triggered by instant senility which would disable my future navigation through life’s maze. This heart-pounding narrative only lasted for a few seconds, but even a fraction of a second doesn’t diminish its ridiculousness.
It's the triumph of fear’s most industrious operator, anxiety, which appears to have become the supreme colonialist of our mental arena. I get it that during our cave dwelling time, survival depended on the power of fear to trigger instant reaction – electric fences weren’t exactly an option to keep the marauding creatures of the wild at bay. But now? Has anxiety got to be the first port of call?
Humankind was born with fear and as we evolved, it simply became shrouded in what some may call sophistication. Lions transformed into ailing bank accounts, for example, which, although devoid of impact right in this minute, or maybe even in the next week, month or year, will continue to hold your hand throughout the day and go to bed with you.
We are supposed to know so much more. Perhaps that makes us less reliant on the finely tuned instinctual responses and more susceptible to the ploys of an overactive imagination. Yet we hold powers of analysis that allow us to surf the waves of challenges equipped with logic, with instant access to information, with reason. Can we not be the commander of our own sanity and emotions, choose who holds our hand, never mind who goes to bed with us!
It seems not. However, despite our innate ‘aptitude’ to fear, it does not have to be a full-time companion or the filter through which we view reality. An anxiety-infused filter can become opaque in the face of opportunity and adventure. Much is interpreted as a threat. And that’s just it, our perception tells us that we are being threatened, not the actual reality.
We can so easily stoke the flames of anxiety with our inner narrative, weaving stories at a pace that sees us mentally retreat as far as we can from the perceived threat. Physically too if that is relevant or possible. But we can also, with practice, accept the anxiety, let it be. Give yourself permission to feel anxious, weird as that may sound, and you will, even if ever so slightly, diminish the power it held. Gradually you can even enter into a chat with it, ask questions and listen for the answers.
When my door eluded me, fight or flight were not viable options, so freeze it was, until rational talk surfaced, after about 10 seconds. And as my heart rate calmed down, little spikes of laughter began to tickle my mind. It’s the slipping on a banana skin kind of humour which, for some strange reason, never fails to amuse when you witness it. I imagined the camera’s point of view capturing body and flailing limbs roughly wrapping around the table, lamp tumbling to the floor while crazy stories raced through my mind.
Frights happen. And they may, depending on the provocation, entertain panic, momentarily or for longer. My incident is an example of how fear is wielded in the split second of uncertainty, rather than a very logical reason that would have spared me from an increased heart rate as well as the other sympathetic nervous system ramp-ups.
The logical reason, as I discovered when looking into how disorientation occurs in the dark, is that the right side of my body is a tad heavier than my left side! Human bodies are slightly asymmetrical accounting for the uneven distribution of weight. And it’s usually the right which is heavier. So, in the absence of a reference point (set by our eyes) to walk towards, and the balance that eyes and ears together fine tune, the heavier side of the body exerts a little extra force which tilts the body towards that side. Next time the power fails and I don’t have the guiding glimpses offered by street lights, I’ll consciously try to counteract my imbalance and see if I land up in the cupboard.
I read you latest article with much interest and, bearing in mind your experience in the dark, I decided that I would share with you a recent milestone in my long and eventful life.
Some six weeks ago, in the full early morning daylight, I took the trip of a lifetime.
I was outside the house and heading towards the steps. My right foot seemed to snag on something and instantly my body involuntarily turned slightly sideways and hurled itself like a guided missile towards the steps and a wooden post.
With indelicate precision, like a guided missile, my head smacked into the wooden post. Instantly two bumps came up on my forehead. At the same time I managed to knock out three of my upper front teeth.
In order to properly complete the job, my knee smashed down onto the concrete steps and a lump the size of half an apple appeared just below my knee.
I use the word ‘smashed’ because my 72 year old body weighs 96 Kg and, if I didn’t before, I now fully understand the word ‘momentum’ and its consequences.
Blood seemed to spurt everywhere. Lesley came running out to see what had happened. She helped me to get up and to stem and mop up all the blood.
The body has a remarkable ability to heal itself and I am now getting back to normal - whatever normal may be for me.
The teeth were a huge problem. Over the last six weeks I went through the rigours of lying in the prosthodontist’s chair. The result is a handsome three tooth brace that was finally installed last week.
The point of this tale is to warn fellow doddering old goats to watch their steps. The consequences of a fall can be very painful and seriously costly.
Stay loose and keep it cool.
I love your sense of humour between the pearls of wisdom and poetic use of language. Different and refreshing. Love your work! Please keep it coming!